One of Jonghyun’s very close friends Dear Cloud’s Nine9 has released the idol’s final goodbye letter to the fans.

Dear Cloud’s Nine9 has already been granted permission by Jonghyun’s family to publish the letter, before he released it he wrote a brief caption saying goodbye to Jonghyun, he said,

“I had my final goodbyes with Jonghyun earlier… He was struggling on daily basis and for a period shared his inner dark stories with me… I tried to redirect him to the right path but it all ultimately only delayed his passing…I still can’t believe he’s not a part of this world anymore, its very painful.

After discussing this with his family, we have decided to release his written will… I know it might ignite rumors but I wanted to grant his last wish and thus I made the decision to release the letter.

Please tell him he did well, beautiful Jonghyun, I love you so much and I will continue to love you in the future. Please don’t get hurt there and rest in peace.”

A post shared by 9 (@run_withthewolf) on

Following the small message from 9 he wrote down the idol’s will, have a look,

“I was broken from the inside.

The depression that slowly eaten me, has finally devoured me

I could not beat it.

I hated myself. There was no answer even when I grabbed my disjointed memories and asked them why pull themselves together but I was met with no response.

I’d rather stop if I can’t help myself breath properly

I asked who could be responsible for me.

You’re the one.

Only me.

I was all alone.

It is easy to talk about the end.

It is difficult to actually end.

I have been living in that difficulty.

I wanted to run away.

right. I wanted to run away.

From myself.

From you.

I asked who was there. It was me… it was me again, and again it was me.

I asked myself Why did I lose keep losing my memory? It must be because of my nature. I See. In the end, it’s all my fault.

I wanted you to notice, but nobody knew. They would have never met me so of course they wouldn’t know I exist.

I asked why they live. They just live. Everybody just lived.

If you ask why I died, I would answer that I was exhausted.

I was troubled and worried. I have never learned how to turn pain into bliss and joy.

Pain is just pain.

“Do not do that” they told me.

why? Why can I end thing the way I want to?

They told me to find out why I hurt.

I know it so well. I am sick because of me. It’s all my fault and all because I am lacking.

Did you want to hear that doctor?

I did not do anything wrong.

When the simple voice blamed my personality, I thought, “it must be easy to be a doctor.” It was odd that I hurt so much.

People who were living harder life than me lived on well. People who are weaker than me were also alive.

Maybe its not true. No living person has had it harder than me, and no one is weaker than me.

But I should live on anyway.

I ask myself hundreds of times, not for my own wellbeing but for you.

Please do not say anything if you do not know.

Want to find out why Im hurting? I told you many times. Why is it so wrong to hurt so much because of that? Do you need a more specific dramatic reason? Do you want more specific reasons?

I already told you. Have you not been listening? All you can get through in life is does not scar you.

I guess it was not meant for me to clash with the world.

The life of a celebrity was never meant for me.

So, it was hard. It was hard to be known. Why did I choose it? It’s funny.

It’s something I wondered about for so long.

What can I say. Just tell me that I did well.

That would be enough. Tell me you’ve worked hard.

If you cannot smile, do not blame me on my way.

You did well, and you worked hard.